Recently, I was surprised at the rude treatment we received while dining at a rather exclusive restaurant. As we were being seated, I asked a staff person for a cup of coffee for the elderly gentleman in our party and was firmly informed that it wasn’t his job. Later, had I not prevented him from doing so, this staff member would have pushed the elderly gentleman aside–likely knocking him over–so that he could be the first to pass between two tables.

Later, I found out that this same staff person had run into a woman in our party and almost caused her to lose her balance. Her husband prevented her from falling. Then, on our way out of the restaurant, the same staff member again pushed her aside so he could get through a tight space before she could.

Although this staff member’s behavior was troubling, it was not as troubling as the reaction of the manager who–while assuring me that he did not want to make excuses for the unacceptable behavior–made a series of excuses: that the staff member was practically deaf, that he had been working for the company for 40 years and they felt compassion for him, that he had just had heart surgery, and so on.

Sometimes students handle their academic difficulties in a manner similar to the restaurant manager. They adopt the position that their professors need to be more understanding and must accommodate them regardless of the circumstances. They should not have to accept responsibility for the consequences of their behavior.

In one extreme case, a student essentially told me it was unfair that I refused to restructure my course so she would not be inconvenienced when she missed class to take a family vacation. Or, in the attitude of the restaurant manager, the individual the staff member almost knocked off her feet needed to be more understanding; that to expect any type of apology after being bumped was unreasonable because of the extenuating circumstances in the staff person’s life.

The week before we went to the restaurant, a student came to my office. Practically, the first words out of his mouth were, “I’ve been irresponsible this semester.” He was rightly worried about his ability to still pass the class. Yet, because he took responsibility for the problem he had created for himself, it was very easy for me to respond, “Let’s see what we can do about it.” By the time he left my office, we had developed a plan that will allow him to successfully complete the course.

The student who initially took the position that I change my course schedule realized that her e-mail to me was poorly phrased and did not reflect the values she holds. She apologized for her badly worded message and met with me about her impending absence. As a result, I was able to coach her on ways she could have better handled the situation. Furthermore, she was able to take some rather simple actions to make it possible for her to both enjoy a week with her family without being prevented from completing a major team project.

It should not be too difficult for the restaurant manager to realize that his customers do not need to be more understanding when his staff person bumps into them; that the staff person must take responsibility for being more careful as he moves around the restaurant floor and that when he almost knocks someone off her feet it is appropriate to apologize. The manager could also coach the staff member to say, “I am hard of hearing and cannot understand your request, but I will send a waiter who can help you” instead of “It’s not my job. You will have to wait for the waiter.”

Unfortunately, it is often too difficult for some people to admit when they are at fault. But taking responsibility for our behavior is often the easier, softer way to approach life. It helps managers get repeat business at their restaurants and makes it easier for students to receive accommodations from their professors.

–Steven L. Berg, PhD

Accepting responsibility is also important for students; an issue I address in “Taking Responsibility: Part II (the faculty)“.